Loveletters With No Reader
by santizhizi
Summary: These are some loveletters from a pekopon girl in this world to Dororo-kun. All of those letters are real ones expressing true feelings.
1. Prologue

Hello everyone, welcome to this fanfic.** Before you read it, I need to say something about this.**

This can be called as my first English fic. My former ones are all written in Chinese. So maybe there are some mistakes in my fic. If you find that disturbing, please forgive me…

This is not a typical fanfiction. Or rather, it's more some essays than a story. I represent my thoughts and feelings in it as if telling them to a real person. I wrote it as a diary or loveletter. So all the expressions in it are true. Even if I don't agree on some opinions, I still type it out. In Chinese these are called "黑历史"(black history)...

**Since some of the opinions are wrong and I regret had thought that now, several sentence may be offensive to other characters's fans. I'm so sorry for that. If you don't want to continue reading this fanfiction, please close this page. I don't want to hurt others by language.**

If you decide to continue reading, have fun !


	2. Chapter 1

December 31, 2013

How can I express the true feeling from the bottom of my heart?  
The emotion, love, have been kept inside me for over four years. Since that fated evening – 8:05pm, Sep.14, 2009, when I watched for the first time, I couldn't forget you any longer. Why are those guys always ignore you ? You are the people who I had ever seen that be most close to the word–perfect. Your abilities, characteristics, ambitions, qualities… are all so wonderful. In fact, I don't know why you stick on treating them as friends. Friends… they don't match this word, at all. But I respect your choice. After all, you can tolerate anyone, including those who hurt you. However, I still feel heart-broken thinking of those… incidents. How can I still call those things incidents? They are apparently on purpose. Especially that green… Sorry I think I overreacted. He usually regards friendship as sonething troublesome except to that boy. And he is greedy, lazy, moody… There are more disadvantages left out. I can't help hating him… when I don't think it over. Again, I respect your choice.

Whenever I realize that you are in another world, I'm depressed. That means I couldn't see you with my own eyes, and couldn't talk to you even for a few words. Most importantly, I couldn't help you… even when I was in great sorrow. The screen avoids me from that world, that's what I often think when I am inconsolable. How I hope you can live a halcyon life. For the aim I can give away anything.

I can't tell the exact time when I began to love you. The first time I saw you, I was attracted by your blue eyes. The color is the same with the purest sky. Then some minutes later, I knew many facts about you since it was episode 159b. That's really a coincidence. Maybe from that time, I began to like you.

When I finished watching those episodes on TV, I had felt a few feelings of love. But that's not clear since I was a 12-year-old girl that time. Perhaps that feeling should be called "interest". With that interest I watched many episodes related to you. Then I hadn't watched that anime for almost 2 years, but you are always close to my heart.

During those years, the structure of the fanfiction I wrote for you was built up. When I graduated junior high school, I began to write that fanfiction. At that time I wasn't good at writing at all, so I will rewrite it after the University Entrance Exams. Thank goodness I had just written a few chapters.

In the vacation before senior high, I felt a kind of emotion which is different from every one I had experienced. But I didn't think much about it. During the first term and the first winter holiday of senior high school, I finished watching all the episodes online. Then I changed.

I was sure that it was the feeling of love. Or why do I always think about you ? It should be good, but the time was not very good – I didn't do well in the coming exams, and the decrease continued for long time. That led to the result that I was not permitted to watch the anime or get online this term.

In the last term, I was very active in forums talking about everything related to you. Many members there have known of my unusual feature. Especially on one day, after I read some English fanfictions for the first time, I became a little mental ill. The post in the forum later shocked many members there, along with two letters carved on my wrist – certainly, they are the capitals of your name.

The complex emotions of that time confused me. I had always thought that I could keep calm and rational at any time. But in reality, I have difficulty keeping objective whenever the situation is concerned about you. Thus I felt strange and didn't know how I really thought. After that, with many discussions, I clearly knew myself. That's just love, the most mysterious thing in the world. It's impossible for me to analysis it with logic. So no wonder I can't think clearly when I am filled with love.

In fact, I had also lied to myself that the feeling is not true, and I'm still rather rational. But lies are lies, not truths. For instance, I had been dreaming of you for four nights, since I saw the news of remaking. By the way, every time I see you in dreams, I can't get close to you, just standing there. The most close time was when I saw that you were in danger in my dream, I rushed to you to protect you without any other thoughts. As soon as I got there, I was awaken with real pain. Then I'm more and more sure that my love is not fake.

Now the problem comes back to the start line. I lov you with all I have, and I can give away anything just for you, but I'm in the different world from yours. Compared with this difference, age, nationality, language, ability, knowledge, even species are not important. I really, really want to meet you. I can even give up my whole life to get the chance of meeting you for minutes. But who can help me ? I don't believe in any religions, and I even think it stupid to believe there are gods in the world when my mind is clear. But when I thought of that problem, I really hoped that there is a God listening to every prayer around the world. I don't want to be completely hopeless. It's said that if my mind is single and strong enough, I can realize my dream. Is that true ? if so, I will keep on trying, until the day when I meet you. I believe, or I must believe it's true. I will waiting for the day in my life.

I love you forever.

* * *

**This one was written before New Year's day. During that three-day holiday I lived alone in my dormitory without access to the Internet, fictions, or videos. I felt bad and didn't want to do my homework at all, so I wrote this to express some feelings.**

**I've changed a lot during these months, so when I read this diary-style letter or letter-style diary, I find many opinions in it childish and full of prejudice. But I still put it online. I just corrected some grammar mistakes. I've promised that these are true diaries expressing true other chapters won't be so bad as this one.**

**By the way, just after I wrote it, I had a fever for a week...I don't know why...**


	3. Chapter 2

April 10, 2014

I'm working on the International Youth Innovation Design Competition these days, and that's why I can once more get online and watch the anime. I miss you so much that the moment I got my mp4, I continuously watched all the videos in it. Then my eyes sored for long time.

There is one thing that get me into a dilemma now. In short, the competition requests us to act a 5-minute-long play, and I am the writer of that script. Because I've long dreamt about advertising the anime, I wrote characters whose features are very similar to your platoon's. What's more, their names sound similar to yours, too. When I finished writing it, I felt as if I've just written a fanfiction.

Now there is the problem : I couldn't find proper actor to act out the character who resembles you. There are five boys in our team : one of them doesn't like acting, pass. One of them has trouble reciting the lines, pass. One of them is over-weighted, pass. One of them briefly doesn't do well in acting, pass. One of them is too active and undisciplined, pa...but I have no choice. At least this one declaimed to have learned acting, so...I feel in the hell now.

When writing lines, I imagine your platoon, or rather, humanized you. However, when those actors read the lines, I only have the urge to die. It's like blasphemy in my view. I even regreted writing the script, but then how can I let more people watch this anime ? I'm confused. An even more serious problem is that those actors said they weren't interested with the play at all, so I'm more confused.

We still need to rehearse this play for dozens of times, so I have to go through this frustration. No one can help me. I can only depend on myself.

All in all, I feel really uncomfortable now. Maybe I should be more rational, but I'm simply not able to. I couldn't suppress my love, just for you.

I love you forever.

* * *

**This one contains many personal issues. If you find it boring, I'm sorry for that. Next chapter will be better.**

**One of the chapters I will post next week descripes the aftermath of this competition...and it's not very ideal.**


	4. Chapter 3

May 7, 2014

However ill I am, I can always be full of energy if there is something related to you.

Last night, I happened to read a short article about your platoon. The author tried matching your platoon up with the Seven Sins, but with no doubt failed in you. Before the author tried some compromises, another adorable guy suggested that you are more of someone who presents all of the Seven Heavenly Virtues : Charity, Chastity, Diligence, Humility, Kindness, Patience, Temperance.

I smiled and felt my heart warming up. I even had the intention to shake hands with that wise Mr. Who. The bliss inspired me so much that I continued to view the website for another five or more hours, until morning. I only slept for no more than half an hour before I woke up at six o'clock to go to school, besides I had very little for breakfast. As a result, I was quite ill in the morning, head dizzy, body weak, and at the same time my mind was disordered. Anyway, I'm not a night owl.

However, right now I'm rather awaken and clear-headed, because I am writing for you. Though I couldn't control my handwriting, I've tried my best.

I'm still in good mood now. And I plan to translate those information about you from English to Chinese, in order to let more Chinese fans know of you, as well as to share my happiness with a certain part of them.

I know all of these diaries only exist in this world. No matter what sorrow I have, these words can't help me at all. And for some reason I even couldn't write this in my native language... But please just let me forget everything except you, then leave this tiring world for a while... at least in my dream, or so-called daydream. I wish you to be halcyon forever.

I love you.

* * *

**I was ill when I wrote this essay, so there may be many grammar mistakes in it. The website refered to was actually . And the article is in fact not as lovely as I introduced...**


	5. Chapter 4

May 10,2014

Today I read an article about loneliness, and I immediately thought of you.

Quote : {Chronic loneliness usually lasts more than two years and has no special cause. People who suffer this loneliness have problems socializing themselves and becoming close to others. Unfortunately, many chronically lonely people think there is little or nothing they can do to improve their condition.

Psychologists are trying to find ways to help chronically lonely people for two reasons : they are unhappy and unable to socialize themselves and there is a connection between chronic loneliness and serious illness such as heart disease. While temporary and situational loneliness can be a normal, healthy part of life, chronic loneliness can be a very sad and sometimes dangerous condition.}

After reading it, tears filled my eyes. I felt heartbroken thinking of how hard your life is. I've experienced loneliness myself, but it's just temporary: I live in dormitory alone on weekends. Sometimes I feel it too quiet around and couldn't see or hear anyone else, as if I was the only one there. That really hurts. At that time I couldn't concentrate on anything, and couldn't think calmly. Sometimes my brain keeps blank for hours. That kind of loneliness just lasts for one or two days, but...you've experienced it for years. What's your feeling ? What do you often think of ? I am not able to imagine that situation. I remember that in the anime, you sometimes sit in the corner or weep. Maybe cry can cure the pain to some extent, but not completely. What's worse, in the manga, you don't show your feelings to others often, and suffer everything alone silently. I have heard many times that suppressing sadness, along with loneliness, is extremely harmful to health. I know that as a ninja you are healthier than most of others, but I am still worried about you, because these kind of disease is not easy to prevent. I couldn't keep back my anxiety. After all, I hope you can be fine.

But then again loneliness is difficult to go through. Every time I think of that, I feel an overwhelming desire to hug you. I didn't understand why you are lonely, anyway you are so kind and excellent, but recently I've known the reason. Once in a Chinese class, our Chinese teacher described a type of character when helping used analysis an article, and she told us: "If someone is different from others, especially in minds, thoughts and interests, he will be very likely to be lonely. For example, if someone is much more serious about principles, discipline, conscience and responsibility than his surrounding people, others will think him boring and just ignore him, even though they sometimes can also realize that the one they think boring is doing something right while they count the cost of their own behaviours. " I frozen after hearing that. It almost totally solved my puzzle. They are not wicked. They are just ordinary people. Their faults are common ones. But you are different. I believe that it must be stressful to insist on your aim on that condition. You are too good for your platoon, I think.

How I wish I could meet you, and tell you I'm always on your side. Whatever you experience, please be aware that there are some of your admirers in this world loving you. But it seems impossible to let you know that you are not alone, for you are in another world. I feel as if I was a ghost in your world, who can only watch everything but can't do anything. It really hurts me deeply. I want to change your fate, so I must study hard to improve my writing skills, and try my best to write my fanfic in order to create a world where you live happily.

I love you forever.

* * *

**Before I wrote this one, I've thought a lot about you. Then I expressed them in this article comes from our English exercise book so I couldn't find the author. If it is against any rules, please tell me and I will delete this chapter.**


	6. Chapter 5

May 30, 2014

It's been a long time since I wrote the last diary, so there are so many things to tell.

One of them is the victory of ours in the competition, though our micro play didn't get in the way very well - some unexpected situations did harm to it. I had been in low mood since we got off the stage, and had difficulty keeping back my coldness, even hatred. Because the very actor made several mistakes which I couldn't possibly tolerate. Some days later I calmed down a little, at least I didn't carry the aura of death with me everywhere, as well as a set of knives...I'm trying to forget these things.

There is an experience which is a little embarrassing...After winning the first prize, we two TeamSpeak had dinner together to celebrate the victory, where wines and beers were apparently involved in. You've known that I was in low spirit at that time, and I had gazed at the handmade katana for long time. With that already messed brain state, I got drunk, intended. What happened later wasn't under control, but thankfully I wasn't too far from my usual state. I just hold the handmade wooden katana tightly with my arms, looking at nowhere while murmured your name some times in a volume that no one else could hear it. After the dizziness, I found it impossible to change the impression I left on my teammates...But for that night, in a short time, when I forgot everything except you, I really felt the strong passion running through my whole brain. So I've convinced myself that the emotions are deep enough.

Another thing is about Richard. 's sci-fi novel _Broken Angels_. A character in the story has some similarities with you, though still has many differences. I found him a ninja, skilled in martial arts, responsible, kind, patient, ambitious, humble, collected,don't go for enjoyments, while be alone almost all the time. The story is regarded to be hard-core, so I believe the logical plots are realistic. According to the story, this kind of people have an extremely hard life in reality. They feel almost no happiness, suffering everything on their own, without anyone truely understand them...I don't want these things happen to you. It's too horrible ! I gradually realized that these things were in fact what will happen if the whole story is logical. It alarmed me.

I've long dreamt to create a realistic and detailed world which contains most of the canon story and characters, just for you. I thought that if those just-for-fun plots all vanished and everyone acted as if they are real people, you will be happier than in the canon story. But now I found myself having made such a huge mistake. I forgot that people with pure virtue can hardly live through the grey world; I forgot that people with noble ambition have to go through unimaginable pains; I forgot that people with characteristics like you are too good for the real world...I don't want you to suffer these things, even if you are in a world full of chaos and jokes, at least you can feel the warmth. If I am able to write a rational fanfic for you to achieve the goal, I will also add someone to be your companion. After all you are the hope of that world, the light in the darkness. And...just in case I meet someone who has the same characteristics as you in the future - seemingly to be impossible, anyway - I promise that I will devote my whole life to helping the very person to achieve his ambitions. I will never break this promise.

I love you forever.

* * *

**I know this one include too many peronal issues, but I just don't know which part to delete.**


	7. Chapter 6

June 9, 2014

These days I'm seized by the desire to write a rational fic for you. I know it will be very difficult for me to write it, but once I succeed, the results will be wonderful. I will be able to find a realistic alternative world where you exist. And by adding an OC I can control the plot somehow.

To achieve that aim, I still have a lot of things to do. First of all, I must watch the anime and read the manga over and over. So that I can get more and more detailed information about you and your world. Secondly, I should learn as much knowledge as I can. Only by being learnt can I write a great rational fic. In short, I need to learn politics, history, psychology, biology, physics, aesthetics, economics, military theory, scientific methods, etc. And if I want to do it better, I also need to learn literature, painting, composition, Japanese, foreign culture and so on. These seem to be rather a lot for me. But if I work hard enough, maybe I will realize my dream. Last but not least, I should follow your example and try to become a great person like you. Maybe this is the hardest part of my plan, but it's also the most valuable one.

I still have one year to do most of these things, while I need to prepare for my University Entrance Exams at the same time. Therefore, the coming year will be tiring, stressful but unforgettable. There comes my golden year.  
I love you forever.

* * *

**The desire about rational fic was firstly inspired by _Harry Potter and the methods of rationality_. I srtongly recommend you to read it. It's the best fanfic I've read. And since I will be busy learning at school, I'm not sure if I can update any more.**


	8. Chapter 7

July 4, 2014

This week I am trying to reminisce some facts and thoughts I forgot to write in the first six essays, the first one in particular. Finally I decide to sum up the progress on the research of your world I've made in these years.

I'm shamed to admit that from September, 2009 to July, 2012， I didn't do anything really important. During that three years I was frankly a naive junior high school student. I only watched Season 4 and some other episodes in which you are the main character, while not even having a look at the manga. I also watched the second and the third movie. Lacking in source, knowledge and wisdom, I didn't know of you as well as now I do. I was an ordinary fan of you at that time. Besides, for whatever reason, I seldom visited the Chinese forum of you(PS: Tieba on Baidu is a website contains millions of forums. It's a bit similar to fanclubs.). According to what I found later, the forum was almost deserted in those years...In conclusion, those years was a time of accumulation.

After that, from August, 2012 to February, 2013，as I've written in the first letter, I watched all the anime episodes and movies and manga. Though I only spent a few minutes on each episode on average, I never missed a single line you spoke. By the time I had got enough source from canon but I was still short of knowledge. I became very active at the forum and started to write that badly-written Chinese fanfiction. Meanwhile I finished reading all the threads and posts in that forum. Based on the information I'd got, I had a clear image of you. I was aware of your kindness, charity, devotion, sobriety, temperance, honesty, modesty, politeness, as well as your sense of responsibility and justice, sympathy for everyone else, unrivaled ninja skills, unimaginable tolerance, sensitive mind, noble ambition, strong will, peaceable characteristic, sorrow and loneliness...Those are all apparent things. Then I truly fell in love with you. I couldn't help thinking of you day and night. My interests changed into everything related to you : the nature, traditional culture, ninja skills, voluntary service, low carbon lifestyle, environmentalism...Remarkably, some of them are completely against my nature before. In other words, I promoted my own qualities by following your example. That's a time of understanding.

From March, 2013 to May, 2013，I continued writing the Chinese fanfiction and took a more active part in activities of the forum. In reality, I have been the most active member in that forum since I registered an account on Baidu. I recommended my favorite episodes to the forum members, along with detailed summaries and reviews. I set up a chatting room on QQ(a software like ICQ or MSN) to discuss topics about you with others. I tried to find all the Chinese fanfictions, fanarts, remarks, wiki pages, Cosplay and other things about you and your world. I succeeded in becoming the moderator in the forum of you since the former ones almost never came back and made and changes. I also picked up more details in the Canon and realized how hard your life is. It was not before then that I got accustomed to combine the information with what I'd learnt in school. With a little thinking, I tried using science to solve some puzzles appearing in the anime. That was a time of passion.

From June, 2013 to November, 2013， I took advantage of my language learning in school and started my investigation into foreign websites, especially English websites. I explored Keroroworld(closed now) but sadly to find that there were few members, not better than Chinese websites. However, I would never know about without that website. After visiting this fabulous site, I was so amazed at the huge amount of fanfics. Anyway, I was able to count Chinese fanfics on one hand, but here are hundreds of fanfics ! I excitedly read some fanfics about you, but then I regreted. Although there are many really good fanfics, there are also many OOC ones which made me disturbed. I was not able to keep calm and sane after seeing some writers...teasing snd tricking you. I almost went mentally ill. A special exception is those romatic stories. I knew clearly that I was not able to read stories about you containing slash pairings at all, so I skipped them directly for fear that I would die from heart failure. There is a Chinese saying" _What the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve for_."But I didn't know I had difficulty reading normal romance stories, too. Not all of the romantic stories are badly written, and I had to admit that some OCt characters might really match you...WHAT have I just written...I felt very uncomfortable that day - my heart seemed to be against my brain - my minds was muddled and I wasn't able to go asleep the whole night. I was not jealous. That was just too hard for me to accept so many things at once. Then I carved "DR" on my wrist with a knife. The wound wasn't very deep at first, but I deepened it many timeshare later, so the scar is still very obvious now. The reason why this period ended in November was a little shameful...I was so obsessed by the fictions that my mobile phone was confiscated by my teacher. Fortunately I got good grades in the following exam so my teacher and my parents forgived me. However, I was still banned from the Internet so I couldn't post things in the forum any longer. That period should be called a time of adoration.

From December, 2013 to April,2014, I couldn't see you or even hear you. I read a lot of books on various subjects. It's beneficial to understanding you and your world better. For example, for I'm a student major in science, I know little about history and politics, which I noticed in the manga that you are good at. What's more, this kind of knowledge can help me write a more reasonable fanfiction. It's a time of loneliness.

Ever since May, 2014， I have had access to the Internet again because of the competition. I'm aware that I don't have much time to waste, so I hurried up to continue my investigation into English websites. Fanclub, wikipedia, kerorowiki, TVtropes...I thirst for every piece of information about you. I even managed to cross over the firewall to visit YouTube and Facebook. Despite the fact that I got some useful information mainly on TVtropes, I found that almost every website about _used to_ be lively years ago but almost deserted now. While on the other hand, I post many new threads in the Chinese forum, translate information from foreign websites, advertise the anime in our competition...but everything end in vain. It seems that this anime has been out of date now. I also analysised a huge amount of datas of all the websites related to as far as I can get, and wrote a detailed and pratical plan for the future development of the forum. In the end I found that the most serious problem I have was to find enough assistants to help me to carry out the plan. There is almost no one whole has the enthusiasm to help. I'm going to enter the hellish year of Chinese school so I will be banned from the Internet again, but I don't want the forum to be deserted again for one year. I'm almost hopeless now. Why can't I find someone else who love you and be willing to help ? I don't understand.

My anxiety doesn't help. The only thing I can do now is to study for one year and come back armed with knowledge and wisdom next year. I swear I will make up for one year's absence.

I love you forever.

* * *

**This one is more a memorial than a real letter. I hope you won't find it boring.**


	9. Chapter 8

I've never stopped asking myself a question over and over in recent days : Do you really live a happy, peaceful and easy life in the anime ? The more I think of it, the more anxious I become.

I was not in the mood to do anything positive before, so I turned to someone helpful, and found myself having a slight tendency towards depression, which can become serious if I don't treat it correctly. Thankfully I found it early and now I've felt much better. But when I read the causes of depression again, I found something much more serious than my own insignificant problem.

It says that loneliness is one of the main causes of depression, along with too disciplined life, being too strict to oneself and high goal which can hardly be reached. But those are just what are in your life. You are always caring too much about others while almost never pay attention to your own needs. What's more, your life as a ninja is really simple and frugal, and most of the citizens who have been accustomed to modern life may even think it boring.(I swear that I'm an exception. To have a quiet life like yours in the future has been my dream for years.

After recalling these facts, I found myself having no excuse to depress at all. My life is happy enough. But then again, I couldn't imagine how you managed to go through these things. Such a stressful life like this may usually lead to an unhappy character with a sad expression all the day. However, you don't seem like that very much. I still remember your kind, tender, gentle and warm smile. You often smile to others to comfort them, as well as many audience. Your smile is one of the most impressive scenes of the anime in my view. And I do remember that in the anime you chuckled happily more than once, which made me relaxed for a while, until some thoughts occurred to me.

Are you **really** feel happy from the heart, at least on some certain conditions ?

When you smile **for** others, is the expression the same beneath the mask ?

Have you ever hide the real feelings just for others' happiness, and then suffer all the things **yourself** ?

I suddenly think of episode 284, in which you didn't tell your friend the truth for fear that she would worry, until she found it herself. That's just a revealed one in the anime. I don't know how many things are still hid. After all, in episode 284 the audience know what you are hiding. But what about other episodes ?

Then I thought about episode 189, in which you revealed a few things about your past in X1. Those memories must be horrible, and I couldn't imagine how terrifying they can be. To be frank, I don't believe fighting against each other is the worst training course, because I've heard of some training methods in Pekopon army of this world, and they are far more terrible than killing companions, though the soldiers taking those trainings are far less skilled than Keron assassins. So I hope you could get rid of the memories about X1. Please don't be too stressful.

I also find other evidences. In episode 345b, you didn't refuse the drink that can let people forget everything for a while. Why ? Maybe you just didn't want to be the only sober one around at that time. I know your feelings. There is almost no chance for you to release stress and forget everything like that.

In episode 247a, when your platoon use special make-up to change into another person, I had thought that you wouldn't take part in the senseless activity. On the contrary, you joined them, and even chose to cos that psychotic alien detective. Among the reviews of that episode, I saw someone say it's funny, someone thought it's ridiculous, others briefly believed the directer was silly. But no one posted that "His life is truly stressful." It was only for that reason that you didn't reject that plan at first and wanted to laugh free from all anxieties. That's a sad thing. I understand it.

In episode 306b, when you were controlled by that evil creature, I saw a different version of you for the first time. You are always very tolerant, whatever those teammates do. Therefore, they act even more offensive, one of whom in particular. You never think of anything bad about them, so this episode creates a situation in which the proper revenge could be taken, though you are not willing to do that. Tell the truth, part of me even think they all deserve that for what they've done and you needn't have apologized them at all. But I know you can't possibly approve of that opinion. Sometimes you care too much about other people.

Is my hypothesis true or false ? I personally hope it's false, so that you are still happy, and I was just oversuspicious. But in case it's true...If only this thing doesn't happen, because I couldn't do anything to help you. Sympathy is useless. It can't change reality.(To definite reality is also a complicated thing.) What should I do ?

我爱你，直到永远。


End file.
